On being good-natured

Dad, at your memorial service I stood up in front of everyone you know and love, or knew and loved, and made a promise to be kinder, more courteous.

It has been rough going during such a miserable time, but I want you to know that I am trying. I'm not saying I was mean beforehand, but what I'm not, and never have been, is resolutely good-natured, like you.

Amy and I were thinking about this - trying to figure out who else in our family, or even our lives, are so good-natured. Naturally pleasant, real people-people. You know what I mean?

And I guess I'm wondering if you were really born that way, or if it's something you worked at. You never really complained, and stopped us if we complained too much about anything. Your moods seemed so steadfast - I've never wondered why until now. Perhaps it wasn't that easy. Perhaps you made your own pledge to never complain, to be kind, to not rush people. Either way, I wish it came as naturally to me.

But like I said, I'm trying. I've been meditating on the train to and from work, to try to get to a more emotionally neutral place overall. Positive might be a bit too much of a strain right now. I'm trying to find an extra ounce of compassion when people push my limits at work and just remain...neutral.

I also started swimming, as a small way of finding some joy in my everyday life right now. It helps, it's very therapeutic for me. It helps me be more present, somehow.

You know who is the other being in my life who is resolutely good-natured? Bartleby. Yes, my cat. I only realized this in the last year or so, but I have always wondered why I love him SO MUCH and why he's so easy to love. It's because he is this chubby, happy cat - like a little beacon of calm and contentment. Always purring, always snuggling. Just like a little buddha cat.

Bartleby still wants to go outside in the winter, and when he comes in from the backyard, he makes a beeline for my pillow in the bedroom. He never wants to hang out just after coming in, and I wonder if he has deep thoughts to consider, inspired by the outdoors. Maybe that is his meditation time.

love,
m